18 May, 2009

Reborn - Part 1

The Bambina @ 12 weeks

She kicks me in the guts and I feel only love.

It’s been a long, painful journey to motherhood for me. At 38 and with a history of recurrent miscarriage I’d almost resigned myself to childlessness. But now I’m eagerly awaiting the delivery of my baby girl.

The Bambina, as I’ve called her since she was just the size of a peanut and her gender was indeterminate, is now 25 weeks old and will be a resident of my womb until August.

Last November, 15 months after my last miscarriage – a perfect little boy who died inexplicably at 11 weeks in utero – I went to see a fertility specialist to progress inquiries into the cause of my previous three miscarriages. I’d put it off as long as I could. I still wasn’t sure I could risk the pain of another pregnancy loss but the doctor was upfront: “It’s now or quite possibly never.” This was because of my partner’s low fertility due to cancer treatment and my ‘advanced maternal age’ in conjunction with my history of miscarriage. IVF would be required to get results quickly. First, though, I would undergo surgery in an effort to identify possible causes of miscarriage.

I left the specialist with my partner, feeling like I no longer had options – to choose to do nothing now would probably deny me a choice down the track. So, we agreed uneasily to ‘throw it up to God’.

Beating IVF

In mid-December I underwent investigative surgery and, amidst extreme work-related stress, I began to prepare mentally for commencement of IVF in January. Part of that ‘preparation’ involved immersion in an alcoholic haze over Christmas. But the day after Boxing Day I awoke feeling queezy…breasts tender…period late. I joined the dots and the ‘piddle-stick’ confirmed the result: these symptoms weren’t just the product of stress and exhaustion, I was pregnant! Fear and excitement merged and stole my breath. I summoned my partner and we sat staring at that stick in disbelief. Then we laughed, acknowledging our earlier decision to ‘throw it up to God’.

My first instinct was to consult the medicos…I needed to know what the surgery had uncovered. I was 5 weeks pregnant and I lost my first baby at 6 weeks, the second at 8 weeks and the third at 11 weeks. But this was the period between Christmas and New Year and my fertility specialist, my obstetrician and my GP were all on holidays. Limbo.

Not content to sit back and wait, though, my partner tracked down a nurse at the fertility centre where we were tentatively enrolled and she bridged the gap. She contacted the holidaying specialist who confirmed that the surgery and associated tests had uncovered possible causes of my previous miscarriages. I had a high level of ‘Natural Killer’ cells in my uterus along with the presence of cardiolipin antibodies and phospholipid antibodies. Both of these factors have been linked in research to multiple miscarriages during the first trimester. It’s believed they inhibit the implantation and growth of the embryo and may cause an immune-system triggered rejection of the baby. It was a terrible thought to confront: my own body may have effectively killed my babies...

I was then was sent for blood tests which indicated hormone levels consistent with a normally progressing early pregnancy and I booked in for an ultrasound to establish the viability of the pregnancy. I felt physically ill in the lead-up to that ultrasound appointment – I was desperate to see my baby’s beating heart on that screen. These scans had ended in heartache in previous pregnancies on all but one occasion. A heartbeat was detected at 6 weeks during a threatened miscarriage with my last pregnancy, but at 12 weeks a follow-up ultrasound revealed my baby had died in the interim.

Scanning For Life

So, as I lay on the clinic bed this time around, with a stomach covered in ultrasound gel, I stared at the monitor, holding my breath. The radiographer was too quiet for my liking and my partner & I shared pained expressions as he squeezed my hand. But after what seemed like an interminable period, she said “Can you see that flashing light? That’s your baby’s heartbeat”. She brought up a graphic representation of the heartbeat and told us it was a very healthy 180 beats per minute. I wanted to cry with relief but apprehension about the ongoing risk of miscarriage, and having previously miscarried after seeing such a heartbeat despite a 95% chance the baby would progress to term, self-preservation instincts kicked in and I suppressed the excitement…I needed to be emotionally cautious. This proved a wise move. The radiologist who analysed the scans reported that the heart-rate was actually 118, not 180 and this was marginally below what’s considered ‘normal’. Nevertheless, he declared the pregnancy viable at six weeks.

I was then prescribed daily injections of a drug called Clexane (a blood thinner and immune system suppressor) to address the underlying problems identified in the IVF work-up, while I waited nervously to see a specialist at the conclusion of the holiday hiatus.

Face Down on the Bathroom Floor

But a few days after I began this treatment, feeling very ill, I hovered over a glass bowl on the edge of my bath. Moments later I was passed out, face down on the tiled bathroom floor…lying naked in a pile of shattered glass. As my panicked partner tried to rouse me, I felt myself fitting as I came to – tongue clenched between teeth and my leg kicking involuntarily. This was a very scary experience but all I could think was “Is the baby OK?” As my partner patched up the cuts that covered the left side of my body, I feared the worst.

I was instructed by the IVF nurse to go straight to Emergency at Canberra Hospital if I fainted or fitted again and to see my GP ASAP. Thankfully, my bathroom performance had no encore but I had to wait three more days before my GP’s surgery reopened. When I finally saw her, she did some routine tests and deduced that the episode was probably a virus or the product of a blood pressure spike. The baby would not have been affected.

I gradually began telling my closest relatives and friends about the pregnancy during this period, having decided I would need the support if anything did go wrong and wanting to celebrate the news quietly with them – it was important to validate the life of our baby in the hearts and minds of the people I love most. Also, as I wrote to a trusted friend at the time “Geez, I'm a journalist and I have a human being growing inside me - hard to embargo that kind of yarn!” There was an appropriate mixture of joy and apprehension from those I shared the news with and it was comforting to know they were variously thinking of us, praying for us and begging the universe to intervene on our behalf.

Specialist Intervention

In mid-January, I finally got in to see my IVF specialist who confirmed previous test results and explained that I’d be on the daily injections until I was 14-20 weeks pregnant. Injected into my stomach, these needles were not the highlight of my day but I was grateful for any kind of medical intervention that might lead to a sustainable pregnancy. However, she gaped when I told her that I was pregnant at the time of the exploratory surgery. “No, you couldn’t have been!” she said, pushing her chair back from the desk. “You do the maths", I thought. “That’s the stuff of my worst nightmares”, she said “...operating on someone who is pregnant and possibly accidentally aborting the baby”.

Poor woman looked like she may fall off her chair. So, I said “Not to worry, ‘she’ has so far survived a surgeon’s invasion and a scary fitting episode after being conceived amidst extreme stress, with the assistance of that excellent relaxant called champagne. It’s OK”. And, as I wrote to a friend at the time, “...there's something encouragingly cheeky and determined (s/he clearly gets that from moi :) about a baby who pre-empts IVF...and survives a surgeon’s knife that bodes well for this pregnancy. So, I am taking a leaf out of Obama's book and having the audacity to hope.”

By the end of the month I’d seen my obstetrician who, while very excited for me after helping me through my last miscarriage, was keen to monitor the pregnancy very closely due to its high-risk nature. So, I saw her weekly from thereon in and eagerly but nervously looked forward to greeting my baby on the ultrasound screen at each visit. Although a consequence of a problematic pregnancy, this was a rare privilege. Seeing her heart beat and watching the incredible pace of her growth week-to-week cemented the bonding I’d subtly resisted out of fear. I fell in love with my baby during this period, conscious that if she was lost to me, devastation would be eclipsed.

I was referred to the specialist Foetal Medicine Unit (FMU) at Canberra hospital for assessment and a diagnostic scan at 12 weeks and we decided to go ‘public’ with the news after that appointment, based on the conventional wisdom that miscarriage risk declines significantly after that point. Gradually, I began to relax into the pregnancy and hope started to supplant fear.

Perfect Baby

So, in mid-February, in the grip of conflated excitement and anxiety, we visited the FMU for the long-awaited 12 week scan. The friendly but professional medico appreciated our anxiety and immediately reassured us that our baby was alive and kicking – quite literally! It was extraordinary to watch her body being mapped on 4D ultrasound. She no longer resembled a peanut or a jelly-bean – she now looked like a miniature human-being, albeit an oddly proportioned one. Arms, legs, fingers and toes, distinctive facial features and already in possession of some fairly impressive dance moves. The ultrasound operator acknowledged all of these observations as excellent signs, consistent with normal development, and confirmed this with a crucial measurement – the depth of the Nuchal Fold, a pocket of fluid located at the back of a foetus’ neck which indicates the likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. My age put me at significant risk of having a Down's baby but the radiographer declared: “that measurement is perfect”. The baby’s major organs also appeared to be developing “perfectly”, she said. I couldn’t wipe the wide smile off my face and I allowed my heart to leap unfettered for the first time during the pregnancy.

We left the ultrasound room to await our appointment with the FMU specialist, feeling confident and relieved. But bad news was lurking just around the corner


enigma said...

It seems so long ago already. Keep the updates coming - even though I was beside you ever step of the way, I'm finding these (well the 1st one so far) compelling and enthralling. Maybe you should go mainstream - I suspect our story could be fortifying for others... Love Tim

Harley said...

Thanks for sharing, but "bad news around the corner"? That's an awful place to leave readers. Please post Part 2 soon.

I went back to listen to your Life Matters story. You mentioned a struggle to reject pressure of others that womanhood is only complete after the rite of motherhood.

Do you still feel that pressure? How do women impart that to each other? And did you find any allies or women who countered that pressure?

J-scribe said...

Thanks Harley. Well, I see my attempt to convey the suspense and apprehension I was feeling @ the time worked! :) I've just posted Part 2 after your plea was echoed by others.

Regarding the pressure women face to 'attain' motherhood - these are good questions and ones I've contemplated at length since my last miscarriage.

The pressure is overt from other women and, while this may simply be annoying and frustrating for women who've decided to be 'child-free' for those of us who desire to have children but face infertility, recurrent miscarriage or similar issues it can be extremely painful 'rite of passage to womanhood' to 'fail'.

I did find some empathetic and like-minded people on my journey and that LM story triggered many thoughtful responses from people who'd never considered the issues through my lens.

But as for my current feelings...now that I'm pregnant again with a baby who seems to be determined to enter the world after a very traumatic beginning, I'm still processing. I plan to explore these issues here as the pregnancy progresses. So, stay tuned :)

anne_brand said...

Jeez Julie! If this pregnancy was a fun-fair ride, it would be the highest, most dangerous, spectacular and breathtaking rollercoaster in the world. I am in awe of you and Tim. And that is one feisty little baby that you're carrying.
Thank you for sharing your story: I am sure there are many others who will find strength from it. You courage and tenacity are astounding. And I hope your seatbelts are fastened: if your Bambina is anything like she has been in your womb, you are in for one hellava ride ;)

J-scribe said...

Comments received via my Facebook link to this post:

16:06 on 18 May
Thanks for making me cry at work :) My heart is racing...xx

at 17:28 on 18 May
Julie what a touching tale of heartache and the slow (but sure) emergence of joy. I am so happy for you... but I must ask, your blog entry ends with "We left the ultrasound room to await our appointment with the FMU specialist, feeling confident and relieved. But bad news was lurking just around the corner"

at 11:45 on 19 May
Such courageous writing Julie. Tears are flowing down my cheeks, but sum how I have this gut wrenching feeling of Joy. I pray that you continue to write of Gods amazing ability to triumph against all odds. God Bless. I will continue to pray for you Tim and Bambina

«design» enigma CREATIVE MEDIA                © Julie Posetti «2007»
[ *The opinions expressed by j-scribe reflect those of the author only and in no way represent the views of the University of Canberra ]